What’s with grocery stores these days? Services have gone too far in my opinion. Shopping carts fitted with rubber bumper cars are able to house six kids, a month’s worth of groceries, and the family pet at the same time.

Usually an overwhelmed parent is navigating this land yacht up and down the aisles. Turning corners with the weight of the world requires a police officer to stop ongoing traffic. Pretty soon paramedics will be stationed throughout the store for ankle injuries due to negligent driving.

Announcers will come over the public address system and report: “Bruised ankle in the coffee aisle” or “Overturned buggy in the cookie aisle.” But more than likely this will be heard: “We have a situation in the ice cream aisle; kids won’t leave the store without fudge pops.”

What I really want to do is drive my car into the store with the trunk wide open, and have staff on hand in each aisle to toss my needs into my trunk. It makes perfect sense from a time-saving perspective. Just think, no more placing items in the cart, placing them on the conveyor belt, then bagging and placing them in the car. Everything can be scanned from the trunk and paid for outside in the parking lot before leaving.

If stores really want to pamper customers, then they should heed my suggestions:
*I want a lounge area where I can relax, gather my thoughts and my coupons over a cup of herbal tea or an Irish coffee, depending on my mood.
*Let me hand over the list of needs and coupons as I receive a massage or manicure in the spa area. My groceries can be delivered to me for inspection at my convenience.
*Child psychologists should be on hand to assess why kids have meltdowns in the store; I think it has something to do with the cookie aisle.
*Keep an adult psychologist on hand to ask why we come back, week after week, for the same punishment.

I recall the days when my daughter would sit in the cart, propped up by rolls of paper towels as she fell asleep during the shopping trip; or when my son would insist on ‘driving’ the cart around the store for me. Many times I explained to other customers that he still had his ‘learners permit’ and to please have patience with him. This was probably after he accidentally bashed someone in the ankle with the cart.

Now I can happily send my licensed daughter out for a few items, and I make my son go along for good measure. It’s wonderful practice for both of them to understand how involved grocery shopping really is. I just hope I don’t get a phone call from store management, telling me my kids are holding the cashier hostage for chocolate chip cookies. I can see it now: my son grabs the cookies while my daughter waits outside in the getaway car. © Joan McCaffrey